"The kind of love that I experienced there cannot be expressed in words."
- Suresh (Imagine Heaven)
Last weekend at our retreat we came to the "Front Porch"...women in ministry. Pastors. Pastors' wives. All who have experienced the joys of the ministry calling as well as the hurts of ministry. As women formed small groups to share their hearts with other women who share a similar role, I noticed their words brought heartfelt emotion to the surface. The heaviness of life. The pains and wounds of serving in the church.
As I recall my own church hurt, I remember thinking, "This shouldn't be. This isn't right." The very thing God called us to was the very thing that hurt the most in my life at that time. I didn't understand.
I held on to that hurt for five years. I honestly tried to let it go. I was doing all the "right" things I was told to do - pray for myself and the unforgiveness in my heart and pray for my "enemies", but the hurt and resentment kept creeping up in my thoughts over and over again. I even pretended that I was okay, telling myself to let it go. When a thought of a hurtful situation came to mind, I would just distract myself with another thought if I could. But the real enemy kept reminding me of the unfairness and the validity of my hurt, and the anger in my heart was clearly evident. The replays of what I wish I would have said or done robbed me of peace. (Honestly, some of the things I wish I would have said were not nice. Probably good I didn't say them.) But finally after five years, I gave up.
Yes, I gave up. I got real with God.
I was pretty direct with God and told Him, "I can't do it. I can't forgive these people. In fact, I don't WANT to forgive them." I felt bad saying this, but I couldn't hide it any longer and really... I wasn't hiding it from God anyway. I was just pretending to myself. I went on to say as I knelt on the floor,
"I can't do it so You are going to have to do it in me. I'm done trying."
As I gave up control and surrendered all of it to God - the hurt, the unforgiveness, the need to explain & prove myself, the need for closure, the deep anger, I breathed a sigh of relief. It felt good to give it all to God, and when I genuinely did, His love and peace filled my soul in a way I hadn't felt for five years. I was exhausted from wrestling with my own thoughts & feelings all these years, and now I found rest in God's arms.
I wanted to stay there. I paused for awhile on the floor of my bedroom with my face to the carpet and a blanket over my whole body. I let God hold me. Love me. Sensing Him telling me, "I know. I know you can't do this and it's okay."
As I was lying on the floor, I didn't hear my youngest daughter come in the room. She saw me in a ball on the floor and not saying a word, she walked over to me quietly, knelt down beside me, and put her arm around me. My daughter, in all her wisdom as a young girl, sat next to me in silence. No words. No "What's wrong, Mama?" Just her presence. Her warm embrace. But it spoke volumes to me of how God's love can heal the soul.
That was the beginning of God doing reconstructive surgery on my heart and mind. Over the next several months, God took away the angst I was carrying, the unforgiveness that was eating away at me, and gave me a new purpose in ministry. My experience gave me a new perspective and a passion for women in ministry. I had a new understanding of what it was like to serve as a pastor's wife. Instead of being bitter, I wanted to help others. I wanted to give women in ministry a place to connect with those who truly understood the unusual and unknown quirks of the role. A place where women could kneel down beside one another and simply put their arms around each other just like my daughter did. For God to heal and care for us through our presence in other women's lives.
The very thing God calls us to is the very thing Jesus was called to on earth - to the hurt, to the mess, the conflict, into the criticism, into the suffering even though it doesn't seem right in the church. The reality is church hurts at times and it is not easy. It's a difficult journey to travel. Perhaps some of the hardest things we go through. However, I've been reading about Heaven...
More specifically the book, "Imagine Heaven" by John Burke who compared the testimonies of over a hundred people who got a glimpse of heaven through their near-death experiences. It gives me hope! It reminds me of God's amazing love for ALL of us, and how God's love is so intense that everything else pales in comparison. Let me share this testimonial in closing:
"I felt totally exposed and transparent before God. To my amazement a wave of pure unconditional love flowed over me. Instead of judgement I was being washed with pure love. Pure, unadulterated, clean, uninhibited, undeserved, love. It began to fill me up from the inside out. It was as though he'd already forgiven me and the intensity of his love only increased. I found myself beginning to weep uncontrollably as the love became stronger and stronger. It was so clean and pure, no strings attached. This love was healing my heart and I began to understand that there is incredible hope for humankind in this love. As I stepped into the light it was as if I'd come inside the veils of suspended shimmering lights. And as I walked through the light it continued to heal the deepest part of me..."
I will never minimize the hurt one feels nor the pain we experience in ministry and life, but I pray that we can step into God's light, which is filled with His unimaginable love, and find healing in the deepest parts of our soul...until we are truly home, sitting on the front porch with Jesus.
"Give light to my eyes. I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation."
Psalm 13:3,5
Comments
Post a Comment